018; gender thoughts
Mar. 30th, 2019 10:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
falsecathedralsi never really saw fit to label my gender identity beyond nonbinary before, because i never really could pin down how exactly i felt beyond 'outside the male/female' binary. recently i had seen the label gendervoid on tumblr and thought it sounded hella cool and applicable, so i was tentatively using that for a while. but recently, i kinda just came to the realization that agender really fits me well.
i was talking to some random guy on an app and on there i had my gender set to 'neither' because none of the other labels really felt ~perfect~ and he was like 'so what's that mean?' basically. and i was like 'basically i think gender is stupid, i know i look very stereotypically feminine, but calling myself a woman doesn't feel right, and i'm not a boy either, so neither' and for some reason saying that made me just realize that i don't have a gender.
and then that's when i realized that agender is the perfect label for me. i do still like gendervoid, but it's even more niche than agender, so i'll probably stick with agender for the most part. or even nonbinary still depending on when/where i'm talking about it (though i don't know if i'll ever come out irl beyond the one time i talked about it with my mom and sister.
i still sometimes feel ~fake~ because i don't want to go on t, or look super androgynous (i fucking love my long curly hair), or necessarily care that society sees me as a woman. but i do definitely experience some levels of dysphoria. i fucking HATE my tits so goddamn much and wish they either didn't exist, or were ridiculously smaller. it sucks that i can't bind bc of my asthma, but even if i could, these stupid things are too fucking big for binding to even do enough for me.
i'd love to get a reduction at least. maybe some day. but for now wearing tshirts or tops/dresses with higher necklines and no bra or a sports bra does help with the dysphoria i feel in regards to those dumb things, lol.
i wish i could start over in a new life with a new body that was perfectly androgynous in all the ways i want it to be and that my name was charlie (i do like ray, but i've grown so attached to the name charlie lately bc i use it in some places online) and i could tell people that my preferred pronouns are they/them. but i'm too damn scared to do any of that and tell people that i know irl. bleh. i guess it doesn't matter so much sometimes, but other times i think about it.
but anyway, regardless of all that melancholy word vomit up there, i do feel really comfortable with the agender label, plus it's really cool to be 'triple a' (asexual/aromantic/agender) haha.
i was talking to some random guy on an app and on there i had my gender set to 'neither' because none of the other labels really felt ~perfect~ and he was like 'so what's that mean?' basically. and i was like 'basically i think gender is stupid, i know i look very stereotypically feminine, but calling myself a woman doesn't feel right, and i'm not a boy either, so neither' and for some reason saying that made me just realize that i don't have a gender.
and then that's when i realized that agender is the perfect label for me. i do still like gendervoid, but it's even more niche than agender, so i'll probably stick with agender for the most part. or even nonbinary still depending on when/where i'm talking about it (though i don't know if i'll ever come out irl beyond the one time i talked about it with my mom and sister.
i still sometimes feel ~fake~ because i don't want to go on t, or look super androgynous (i fucking love my long curly hair), or necessarily care that society sees me as a woman. but i do definitely experience some levels of dysphoria. i fucking HATE my tits so goddamn much and wish they either didn't exist, or were ridiculously smaller. it sucks that i can't bind bc of my asthma, but even if i could, these stupid things are too fucking big for binding to even do enough for me.
i'd love to get a reduction at least. maybe some day. but for now wearing tshirts or tops/dresses with higher necklines and no bra or a sports bra does help with the dysphoria i feel in regards to those dumb things, lol.
i wish i could start over in a new life with a new body that was perfectly androgynous in all the ways i want it to be and that my name was charlie (i do like ray, but i've grown so attached to the name charlie lately bc i use it in some places online) and i could tell people that my preferred pronouns are they/them. but i'm too damn scared to do any of that and tell people that i know irl. bleh. i guess it doesn't matter so much sometimes, but other times i think about it.
but anyway, regardless of all that melancholy word vomit up there, i do feel really comfortable with the agender label, plus it's really cool to be 'triple a' (asexual/aromantic/agender) haha.
